My Story is a weekly series featuring stories told by people from different walks of life on a variety of topics.
Back story: Jude, age 30, grew up in a dysfunctional home with parents who consistently got physically violent with each other. In this chapter of My Story, Jude explains how he managed to restore peace and sanity to his family by getting both parents to agree to a divorce.
So I guess you can call yourself an initiator of divorce?
Well, yes you can say that. Not that I’m proud of it or anything, I just thought it was the best option for my sanity and my parents’ peace.
How did it all start?
I was 7 years old when I saw my mom really angry with my dad. She got physical with him and almost hit him with a bottle. The weirdest part was that she was pregnant. I was just a child so I didn’t really understand what was happening except that the occurrence made me cry.
How would you describe your mom?
Oh my mom’s a very temperamental person. She’s loving as well but you can be quick to forget how loving she is when she’s angry. My dad often said she was never that way before they got married but he couldn’t explain what changed after they got married.
And your dad?
My dad is who I don’t want to be. I started seeing him as a weak person when I turned 13. I had a neighbor whose wife had no right to shout at him. My dad faced serious scolding and threats from my mother more than I can remember. It seemed like he was always on his knees begging my mom more than I ever went on my knees to beg God.
It must’ve been tough growing up in that kind of environment … How did you cope?
When they start quarreling and it gets physical, I always found myself protecting my baby sister. She was just a crawling baby when my mom stabbed my dad in his left arm over a very tiny reason. I was 8 years old so all I could think of was how to protect my sister so I ran to a neighbor’s house with her on my hip. My mom started cheating on my dad because she considered him a weak and incapable man. She had broken him down to be the person he had become just to reduce his pride and ego as a man with words and infidelity.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that… but how did the thought of divorce come to you?
Nah it’s alright. It’s not your fault. I watch plenty of movies so it was in one of them that I first heard of the word divorce. It was also in these movies that I saw married couples fight but this time around, it was the man beating the woman. That made me really confused because why was it different in my family? Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t want any violence at all but as a 30 year old man, I feel like it would’ve been easier for me to process the trauma differently if it was the other way round.
I understand. At what point did you realize divorce was the option?
There was this one night I returned from uni, my dad was weeping. It wasn’t surprising because I already knew why. My mom had just packed her things and was on her way to see one of her fleeting lovers and it looked like my dad had just about had it up to his neck which explained the emotional breakdown. It was then that I knew it was time for them to call it quits. I felt pity for my dad and also disappointment because he looked pathetic sitting on the floor crying with my sister patting him on the back.
How did you go about it?
I didn’t know much about how divorce worked then so I had to graduate first and find my footing. I also didn’t want my little sister to face any kind of stigma associated with divorce among her peers. I wanted to be comfortable enough to take care of her just in case anything came up. And when I succeeded and made my findings, I was already 27 years old and she was 19. It was the perfect age to move on from our parents.
Can you tell me how the divorce process went down?
It was strenuous. Very challenging both emotionally and mentally but not for me or my sister but for my dad. I tried convincing him to file for a divorce but it seemed like he was still living in denial. He thought things would get better. I once asked him to look at himself in the mirror and tell me how he saw himself… He had no words. He was still resistant to file the petition for divorce so I had to go through a different method; my mom.
How did it go with your mom?
She was very willing. She saw it as an exit actually. I was shocked. She said she wanted to move on completely from her marriage. I knew the next issue would be the basis for divorce so I introduced a lady to my dad and lucky for me, he took a liking to her and that was it. My mom, who was a serial cheater, filed for divorce on the basis of infidelity.
How long have they been divorced?
They’ve been divorced for two years and it’s been a blissful experience. My dad broke up with the lady. He said he needed time away from women and to heal. I understand and respect him for that.
How has the whole experience shaped you as a person?
I’m much harder on myself especially when it comes to women. I’ve been in and out of relationships with women and they had no issues but I found myself often worried that they’d likely change and become somewhat like my mother. I’ve trained myself not to bend to the will of a woman and can get excessively controlling in my relationships. It was one of the reasons I had to quit so I could take a step back and rethink my behavior and learn that whatever happened with my parents’ marriage won’t happen with mine (if I ever got married).
I love that you’ve realized this and you are making needed adjustments. Now, I noticed you didn’t bring up your mother, how’s she?
My mom remarried. She tried explaining her behaviour but I couldn’t make sense out of anything she said which was why I didn’t bring her up because I just didn’t have any coherent thing to say about her.
That’s alright. Before we end this, how much improvement have you made so far since the divorce?
I think leaving the relationship space has helped me stable my mind and understand women a bit more than I did when I was relationship hopping. I’m much more at rest knowing I won’t be getting any calls hearing about any of my parent’s being in the hospital or my sister crying. She’s doing well too. It’s weird how these experiences shape us in different ways. She seems to have grown unaffected by every thing except that she’s really a soft woman and I love that for her. I wonder how she fairs with men tho. I can’t ask her but I hope she opens up one day.
Notes from the publisher
Hi! My name is Hephzibah Mgbajah and I’m glad you read this to the end! I hope you found it interesting and insightful. Do make sure to check back by 3pm every Tuesday for stories like this. Also, follow us on Instagram @yarn.central to stay updated on new posts and premium content!
You can also check out this story if you’d like to stick around for a bit 😉 My Story: I Got Married For Love And Now I Am Regretting It
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