In today’s episode on MY STORY, Boma, a 38 year old married woman shares her story on how her parent’s relationship influenced her to marry for love but her marriage is going downhill at the moment.
Boma | 38
My idea of how marriage should be was solely as a result of my observation of my parent’s marriage growing up. They weren’t all that financially buoyant but the fact that they loved each other wasn’t at all inconspicuous. It was what laid the foundation of marriage for me. I thought all I needed was love – he loves me and I love him and we’ll make things work just as long as the love is there. This was all wishful thinking.
Apparently, I met the love of my life when I started serving in Bayelsa. We crossed paths when I was coming home from my primary place of assignment. The way he approached me wasn’t great but I decided to give it a chance for us to get to know each other. We started talking and I found out that he had just finished serving and was working at a company that paid him just a little above average. I felt I could work with that as long as we related well because money wasn’t all that important to me. I believed in growing with my partner. Sooner than I expected, we started hanging out and it was really interesting.
I didn’t care too much about grand gestures that showed how much money was spent but I wanted some memorable gestures too. On my birthdays, he’d wish me a happy birthday and talk about how he wished he could do more. On his birthdays, I’d save up and get him gifts and if I couldn’t I’d buy him a meal. I was consoling myself with “it’s the thought that matters” whenever he told me he wished he could do more.
This was how it continued until I finally left Bayelsa for a really good job that I got in Abuja. This job paid me well enough to take care of myself and other needs. I earned more than he did. This didn’t make me reconsider him or anything because of course, I loved him. At some point, I had to handle family issues that needed my financial support and even my boyfriend’s financial needs too. I never had an issue with this because I loved him, however, I kept assuring myself that it was okay just as long as I was happy.
We got engaged on one of my visits to Bayelsa and I’ll be honest, I was a little doubtful about the whole thing. I admit that I loved him and he did too but something was amiss. He wasn’t making as much effort as it was expected of a man trying to start a family. I pushed the doubt aside and hoped that things would get better.
We are married now with two kids and we’re living in Abuja after a little back and forth about me moving in with him in Bayelsa. I couldn’t because my job was important to me and how was I supposed to abandon everything since I was the one doing the most when it came to providing? He eventually gave in after he got a manageable job and after we agreed that there’d be more prospective jobs in Abuja than Bayelsa. I still take care of him and the family.
My husband has a way of being overly nice to people outside in the sense that he likes to give money and gifts. Guess who pays for these gifts and lends him money to give out? Yes, you guessed right.
I felt the longer I made myself available to foot the bills, the more he reclined to his lethargic self and this was beginning to upset me. I started feeling even worse and over burdened when I discovered how my friend was thriving in her marriage.
It wasn’t an equal responsibility thing but her husband was visibly making an effort and she tried her best too but it wasn’t the case with mine. If my children wore beautiful clothes, got fed, the rent got paid, I dressed up nicely, my husband got nice things, it was all my doing and I never went to anyone to complain about my marriage.
I do a lot of running around and I’m beginning to fall out of love with my husband because I think the amount of stress I go through has drained any affection I had for him. Every time I do his job, I remind myself of how I saw the signs before we got engaged and how I ignored them because I was in love. I got married for love (a blindfolded one for that matter) and now I’m regretting it.
I’m in a dilemma because I’m considering a divorce. I wouldn’t say marrying for money is the way forward… who am I to even have an opinion since I’ve failed at marrying for love? I don’t know what to do now.
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