Hello counsellor,
My name is Tosan. I live in Ibadan with my wife and children.
My problem is that my wife of four years has moved to her boss’ house who lives on our street. This thing started about a year ago. My wife started complaining that I don’t perform my duties in bed anymore. This situation got me worried as my wife had never complained about my performance before. In fact, I was the one that deflowered her when we married.
Where her sudden complaint was coming from, I didn’t know. A friend had suggested to me some time ago that my wife could be having an affair with her boss but I waved it off as she goes with him to the office and they come back together every day.
They never saw each other except on their way to work. I didn’t suspect anything at all.
In January, however, I was in the room with my wife when her phone rang, it was her boss. It was around 11pm and when I asked her why he was calling her at such time, she said it was about work. I didn’t say anything. Later, I found messages on her phone about a pregnancy she aborted for him some months ago.
I was furious and confronted her, rather than feel remorseful, she rained abuses on me saying if I could handle her well, she wouldn’t be sleeping with her boss. I was demoralized, I have never been told this before in my life.
Well, I got angry the next time she insulted me and I beat her up. She has since packed to the man’s house and now stays there. The shame is too much for me. What can I do?
Hello Tosan,
First of all, you should not have hit your wife no matter the circumstances. Yes, you are aggrieved by her actions – and rightly so – but that does not necessitate you assaulting her. The physical tangle just escalated the matter between you both.
With regards to the matter at hand, as I mentioned earlier, I cannot despise you for being unhappy because the situation is terrible. Your wife should not have engaged in extra-marital affairs no matter the severity of the situation at home. It is not an action I endorse at all because it only complicated the issues between you both.
Now, to her allegation that you were not fulfilling your duties in ‘the other room’, I think the mistake you made was not to probe her further for the exact error she perceived you made on the bed. You both may have lasted in action for a long duration but she was obviously uncomfortable with either your styles, cuddling skills on the bed or probably you were not going harder because of birth control. You should not have assumed that everything was right, especially after the complaints – which you admitted last over a year. For her to have gotten pregnant for her boss signifies a message, just as she aborting the child also sends another powerful message to you, if only you can discern.
The physical altercation between you and your wife has worsened things. I know you feel hurt but for the sake of your children, I urge you to be the ‘bigger person’. Initiate the reconciliation process by contacting your wife and apologise for hitting her. I also suggest you contact both her family and yours to help drive the process by organising a meeting between both families, with you both in attendance.
You would have to resolve to forgive her for her transgression. I understand you may be upset and it will not be an easy thing to do, but you just have to do it for your children’s sake. She also has to apologise to you for her actions and ensure you extract a commitment from her not to embark on such frivolities again.
If, or positively speaking, when you both reconcile, you both have to discuss your sex life going forward. Know your do’s and don’ts, what you both desire and want while ‘playing together’ in order to forestall another crisis.
The reconciliation process is not going to be easy, but with patience on your part, you can get your wife back.
Yours,
GCN
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